Aug. 4, 2011 (AP) — The Department of Homeland Security formally announced today the deployment of airborne drone-based backscatter scanning devices, capable of detecting illegal contraband from an altitude of over 30,000 feet. "Everyday citizens now have an unprecedented umbrella of protection as soon as they leave their homes," the head of the DHS, Janet Napolitano, said today in a press conference. "By scanning every person from head to toe while they go about their daily business, terrorists have finally met their match." Citizens in major metropolitan areas, for example, can expect to be virtually strip searched between nine and 14 times on their way to work. Rural areas will soon see the benefits, too, as the production of nearly 13,000 drones continues.

All images from the predator drone-based nude strip searches are continuously streamed in high definition to more than 30,000 trained specialists in India, Nigeria and China, where they are analyzed to the finest detail. If any DHS-specified contraband, such as bombs, knives, guns or banned books are detected, an arrest warrant is issued by a federal AutoJudge and local authorities are dispatched to incarcerate the terrorist.

The backscatter module, originally developed to ensure 100% terrorism protection on flights, has since been improved to peer inside of organs and bone marrow in search of nail clippers, liquids or combustible material, which can be used to build bombs. According to Sgt. E. M. Goldstein, director of drone research, the future is bright for incorporating brain scanning technology, which allows judges to put crooks behind bars before they even realize they were about to start planning a crime. "We are working closely with the country's top neurosurgeons to further enhance our mind-pattern-matching, and expect to see it in our drones by the end of the year." The brain scanning mechanism is part of the larger ThoughtCrime initiative, officially unveiled by the Obama administration in early April.